I moved my car and sat in it for awhile (to charge the battery and warm her up) and had time to think. And I made a sad connection to all the worst times in my life. I realized that I have never grown roots here. I really only have two times when I had roots. First, when I was born and became my parent’s daughter, that is a root that will always endure. The second, when I became my son’s mom. Those roots are both strong and will always remain. All other time periods, are only ghosts and memories. I still have mine. So luckily, I can remember and smile at some memories, and cry from others. But I still have them. No roots though. No remains.

I’ve always kind of felt different from other people. I felt emotionally affected by major events, like I lived it. 911 was one of them. That event was profound to me even though I was in the midwest. Being empathic has many joys, but it has plenty of dark times. When there is a lot of chaos, uncertainty, worry or fear. I pick up on that. So I’m obviously feeling SO much with all the emotions from California. I used to wonder if others could feel like that as well. I think I figured it out about mid thirties. Not consciously….but something inside me knew, they didn’t.

I just lost everything I owned again (though I have 2 or 3 weeks clothes and some trinkets this time). But instead of that messing with me, I’m choosing to really analyze my life. Hence, the realization about roots. None of those roots ever took to the soil. They were never meant to be permanent. I’ve been watching more new age philosophical stuff and many made reference to this:

“Many spiritual beliefs speak of death as rebirth. In order to grow bigger, better and stronger, we need to first remove what is there. To grow something new, improved, better versions of ourselves. This only happens after devastation.”

The road ahead, is long and will require patience and organization. It will be gradual and feel eternal. But I have plans. I just have to navigate a whole separate group of current obstacles first. Once I do, I plan to try one more time to put down seeds, and see if they take to the soil, this time.