Every now and then, when I have my time in solitude, I think about my mortality. I AM currently in a constant state of battle with the cancer cells that reside in my body. Everything that has occurred since my diagnosis has felt surreal to me.

Last year in May, I was plagued with a migraine that wouldn’t go away for 2 weeks straight. I’m stubborn and did what I normally would for headaches, and waited all that time trying to rid myself of it. My son finally talked me into going to the hospital and I did. I had to go to the ER, as it was a Saturday. Sitting in my little cubby, I was taken for an xray and they drew blood. I figured they would give me migraine meds and send me on my way. But I was left waiting and waiting. And the next thing I knew, a doctor came in and told me his name and that he was an oncologist. He proceeded to tell me that I had cancer and was being admitted.

Needless to say, I was in complete and utter shock. Over the course of one month, and numerous tests (right around 20) it was determined that I have Esophagael, Lung and Brain cancer. It took me asking the doctors two months later, to find out what stage I was. And it is Stage 4. That is n I really a death sentence. My projected death date was June of this year or 12 months. Yet here I am, writing my thoughts in one little blog.

Since then I’ve just been thrust into thoughts of wondering how I am still here. I’ll be honest, I’ve ‘never’ experienced any of the symptoms that are normally felt. My appetite is fine, no serious pain. The one thing I DID experience was total muscle deterioration in my thighs when I started chemo. I couldn’t do steps at all or left my legs. I was very nearly crippled during that time. But, they started me in physical rehab and miraculously, my leg strength returned.

I spend a lot of my time wondering why I’m still here and what God’s plan is for me. By all rights I should already be gone. And sometimes I think that I’m screwing up in some way. Because he obviously has something he wants me to do. I pray and meditate a lot because, I don’t want to fail him or his plans for me. I drive myself crazy a lot thinking about it.