It’s chemo week, so I’m at the clinic for the treatment. I forgot my appointment was today, as I’m usually scheduled for Tuesdays. One of my nurse’s called me and I came in quickly…but still ended up an hour late. I am not a fan of Mondays. I asked for a room today, because I just don’t want to be around people. Socializing isn’t my strong suit at the moment….I feel like a limb that fell asleep while in one position….completely numb. And if any weight was put on me, I would collapse because I’ve forgotten how to function.

I’m working thru my plan for Christmas. I am going to stay in my car for a day or so. And bring the kitten with me. Hopefully it won’t be bitter cold. Don’t care how cold I get, but I do care about the kitten. I just can’t stomach being around people this year. And absolutely don’t want to ruin my son’s holiday. He is with a really sweet lady and she has 3 girls. Nick is becoming the kind of (step) father I had always hoped. And I’m sure they have their own plans. I can’t ruin that…..right now it’s not possible for me to be happy. The numbness, just makes me want to shut myself in a dark closet. I literally have nothing to say to anyone.

So I plan to stay and sleep in my car thru the holiday. Hopefully I don’t attract the attention of the police. Since my registration and license are an issue right now as well. When my life implodes it is a total. On a molecular level. I never do things ‘small or simple’….that includes life demolition.

Normally, I can put on a pleasant face and pretend to be happy. But I’m exhausted, because I haven’t slept well in a few weeks. Not a normal amount….every now and then I would nap for an hour or so….but not good sleep. Being tired makes me sluggish. So if my thoughts seem stupid or silly…..that’s why. Does anyone remember those anti-depressant commercials where the people have a paddle with a smiley face on it and they cover their face with it? Yea, it’s like that for me nowadays. Or at least trying to….but I’m not a good liar. So it’s tough for me.

I wish many things. I wish I was just comfortably successful. I wish I was able to build any type of legacy for my son. I wish I could have helped people my entire life, as I’ve always wanted. I wish my Dad hadn’t died so young, so my son could have known him better. I wish I could have felt what ‘real’ love felt like. Wish I hadn’t gotten cancer. Wish I could have seen more of the most breath-taking places in the world.

I’ll keep wishing till I am done here. It doesn’t cost anything to wish. Please understand, I’m not on a pity myself kick. Just jumping onto the “Regret-alot-Railway”. I got a first class ticket…..